Asian-American; a word with many meanings.
Freedom. I believe that the world is open to me and that as long as I have the determination, I can seek and glimpse its infinite glory. There are no closed doors to me, only the ones that I put in front of myself. The sky is the limit and I've got a jetpack.
Justice. I believe in an all encompassing sense of what it right in the world. I don't mean to push these on to other people, but I believe that I should be treated fairly. If I do something wrong, tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it so I don't make the same mistake again. If I make you angry, tell me what I said or did so that I make the right decisions in the future. But more than anything, don't presume to force your beliefs on me and expect me to simply accept them without a say of my own.
Conviction. I thought myself a lazy person before, and in truth I probably was, but even now, when I'm working more and harder than ever, I still wonder if I could be working harder. I find myself wanting to push the limits further and further until I become Superman or die trying. Ambition aside, though, I often find myself working hard simply for the sake of working hard. The Japanese have a word for this, 我慢 (gaman). There is no direct translation for this word, but it essentially means the spirit of endurance. Even in states of extreme exhaustion, I find the notion of giving up, calling for help, or even procrastination to be signs of weakness. It hurts immensely when I inevitably give in. But still I keep going, and every other week I find myself submitting to the masochism again and again.
Humility/Insecurity. To this day, no matter how successful I am, I still have a hard time truly accepting my self-worth. Yes, there have been many victories, but there have been an equal number of failures. People might point out the normality of that, but I can't help but feel that my failures should and can be minimized, if only by sheer force of will. There is strength in this, though. Constantly feeling like I can be better provides me with the internal drive to constantly improve myself. I do this not always to impress others, but to find the moments I impress myself.
Despite my many birthrights, there is one thing I will always lack: an unmistakable, unquestionable sense of identity. At once I can be anything, but if you can be anything that also means that until you discover who or what you are, you are nobody. They teach you in the US that you can be whatever you want and that you should always be true to yourself. But what do you do when you find yourself wanting to be someone else? I'm not talking about trying to be a movie star or some famous athlete. I'm talking about being the average Joe you see walking down the street. I'm talking about not being looked at funny when you walk by. I'm talking about not being questioned about your origins when you meet someone for the first time. I'm talking about not being around others who are scared to even talk to you because you're different. I'm talking about changing who you are just so you can fit in.
I'm in Vietnam trying to learn about my heritage. In retrospect, that's weird because when I was back home, I not only shunned the Vietnamese community, I rejected them. And yet, I now find myself wanting to find a genuine connection to the country and people for which I take my given name. I could never have imagined how difficult that would be, though. Now I'm stuck between two worlds, the Vietnamese in America, and the Vietnamese in Vietnam, both of which I can identify with, none of which I truly fit into.
I am not a beautiful snowflake, but there's no one broken the same way I am. There's a certain uniqueness and pride to that. Perhaps that's why I want to travel. Maybe what I really want so much is to finally answer the question that has been burning in the back of my mind...
...where do I belong?
Justice. I believe in an all encompassing sense of what it right in the world. I don't mean to push these on to other people, but I believe that I should be treated fairly. If I do something wrong, tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it so I don't make the same mistake again. If I make you angry, tell me what I said or did so that I make the right decisions in the future. But more than anything, don't presume to force your beliefs on me and expect me to simply accept them without a say of my own.
Conviction. I thought myself a lazy person before, and in truth I probably was, but even now, when I'm working more and harder than ever, I still wonder if I could be working harder. I find myself wanting to push the limits further and further until I become Superman or die trying. Ambition aside, though, I often find myself working hard simply for the sake of working hard. The Japanese have a word for this, 我慢 (gaman). There is no direct translation for this word, but it essentially means the spirit of endurance. Even in states of extreme exhaustion, I find the notion of giving up, calling for help, or even procrastination to be signs of weakness. It hurts immensely when I inevitably give in. But still I keep going, and every other week I find myself submitting to the masochism again and again.
Humility/Insecurity. To this day, no matter how successful I am, I still have a hard time truly accepting my self-worth. Yes, there have been many victories, but there have been an equal number of failures. People might point out the normality of that, but I can't help but feel that my failures should and can be minimized, if only by sheer force of will. There is strength in this, though. Constantly feeling like I can be better provides me with the internal drive to constantly improve myself. I do this not always to impress others, but to find the moments I impress myself.
Despite my many birthrights, there is one thing I will always lack: an unmistakable, unquestionable sense of identity. At once I can be anything, but if you can be anything that also means that until you discover who or what you are, you are nobody. They teach you in the US that you can be whatever you want and that you should always be true to yourself. But what do you do when you find yourself wanting to be someone else? I'm not talking about trying to be a movie star or some famous athlete. I'm talking about being the average Joe you see walking down the street. I'm talking about not being looked at funny when you walk by. I'm talking about not being questioned about your origins when you meet someone for the first time. I'm talking about not being around others who are scared to even talk to you because you're different. I'm talking about changing who you are just so you can fit in.
I'm in Vietnam trying to learn about my heritage. In retrospect, that's weird because when I was back home, I not only shunned the Vietnamese community, I rejected them. And yet, I now find myself wanting to find a genuine connection to the country and people for which I take my given name. I could never have imagined how difficult that would be, though. Now I'm stuck between two worlds, the Vietnamese in America, and the Vietnamese in Vietnam, both of which I can identify with, none of which I truly fit into.
I am not a beautiful snowflake, but there's no one broken the same way I am. There's a certain uniqueness and pride to that. Perhaps that's why I want to travel. Maybe what I really want so much is to finally answer the question that has been burning in the back of my mind...
...where do I belong?
Neither America nor Vietnam. The place you belong to is just the place where you find yourself, you enjoy your life, you love and to be loved
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